I wanted to die.

!!!! Reader's discretion: This post is about death and suicide. If you are going through negative feelings and thoughts, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE reach out to a friend, and professional help.

   Exactly ten years ago, I went through a big hump in my life. After studying in America, I moved back to Mongolia because American government is not inviting to people who are educated in America and willing live, work and pay taxes. 

   Anyhow, I moved back. When I landed in Chinggis Khan International Airport (the name had been changed since then), the first thing that my father told me a thing which now I don't really remember. However I do remember how I felt. I felt like I made a horrible mistake, and it was a horrible mistake.

   It felt like I have to put everything that I learned in American college and universities along with all my ambitions, all the desire to help my parents to ease their workloads in a box and put that box on a shelf that is out of my reach. It was depressing three years. 

   In 2013, Mongolian economy was shit. If I am being honest, it is pretty much the same even now. Anyhow, my parents company wasn't doing well because of decreased demand. On top of that, my grandmother (my mom's mom) passed away soon after I moved back. Plus, banks and people, who loaned money to my parents, demanded their money back because everyone was struggling, but not the banks. 

   

Because of all the pressure and uncertainty, my mom went into depression. My dad don't understand what my mom was going through and viewed my mom's depression as weakness. I do understand what my dad was going through. In Mongolia or any other asian culture, the duty to provide for the family, it is the men's job. He felt like he was not doing what he was suppose to do. In a way, he was also going through depression. 

   To give my mom time to heal and away from all the stressful situations, I started to help my dad instead of my mom. We would go to meetings, trying to figure out any way we can save the company and keep the jobs the company had created. So, it has become stressful situation for me. During the day, I help my dad. In the evening, I become the mediator between my parents when they are fighting which was most days. 

   Within the midst, my voice was gone. Here is the back story. I went to American when I was 18 years old. I learned things by being alone, coming confident, advocating and defending myself, and I became an adult in America. I was confident in front of people and wasn't scared of stating my opinions. Back to the present. I wasn't confident in myself anymore because nobody would like to hear me. They don't listen because I am female and was young. Instead I became a somebody was that boxed in everyday situations and between my parents. 

   I was trapped and I wanted to escape. Escape by dying. I started to think about suicide more and more, and even how I would do it. The thought was prevalent when I am alone and driving. It will start with small thinking about work and spiral down to death and suicide. Oh, I cried so much and I was completely alone. 

   Every time, when I was determined to go through what I thought in my mind, I always thought about my baby brother. He was 3 years old at the time. Every single time, he would be on my mind and always pulled me from the edge. He saved me three times. 

   Now, I think about those years, I am grateful that I got over it. I mean not completely. At least now, I know what are the signs that I should be aware of in my case and how to navigate those thoughts and emotions. I am also grateful that I went through those years, because, thanks to that, I am more mature and don't give my energy and attention to things that don't matter to me.